This month looks a little bit different for me. Instead of traveling to the different teams scattered around which ever country we are in I am in one place for the entire month! It's so great to be able to unpack for the first time in 5 months!
Ministry is something that brings me so much life, joy, and energy! I was so excited to be in one place for a whole month and to have the opportunity to really plug into a ministry. But I have to be honest and dramatic at the same time and admit that I feel like I'm dying...
This month I am serving at Casa Maria in Antigua, Guatemala, which is a nursing home, well more like hospice with out medicine, or a psych ward without physicians for the elderly. Monday through Friday, 9am-4pm, I sit in the back room of Casa Maria with 20 plus patients who can't afford medical care, where they are wheeled out of their one room of 20 beds to a concrete covered area outside. While I have grown to love Jorge, Julia, Christina, Amarosa, Julia, and the others, my heart also breaks for them...
I hate that a man is tied to a poll for the rest of his years left here on earth because of his mental state that the nurses don't know what more to do with him and that he gnaws on his hands while soaking in his own drool.
I hate that a blind woman vomits on herself constantly throughout the day and moans in pain.
I hate that a man has been abandoned by his family and cradles a baby doll in the corner believing that it is real.
I hate that a woman is crying because she is sitting in her own waste and has to wait for the nurses to change her at a certain time.
I hate that these people are told there's no medicine to help them.
I hate that these people are living out their final years in pain.
The first couple days I walked into Casa Maria with wide eyes, a big smile, and child like faith, ready to see the blind be healed, the lame walk, and the captivated set free. But after spending two weeks here I have found that I am facing some pretty big giants. I am facing countless situations that are against all odds. I am facing impossibilities.
This is hard... Probably one of the hardest ministries I've ever had to do...
But you can never let the circumstances of life define what truth is.
And I know this to be true...
I know that God loves defeating giants...
I know that I am God's daughter, His beloved, His chosen one, whom He has called to go into the Nation's and be a part of the Great Commission.
I know that God is strengthening my walk in Him... That He is desiring me to press in deeper, push harder, to keep praying for the impossible to be possible, to keep depending on Him, to keep trusting and believing in Him.
Because this is where faith is built... Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.
Even though I "feel" like my prayers aren't being answered, or I don't see miracles happen the way "I" want them to I have to keep praying for these people, I have to keep loving them, because if I don't who will...
I am desperate for God to show up in this place... For His healing and peace to come which transcends all understanding. Because from the outside looking in the giants I am facing at Casa Maria are huge and for healing to happen seems impossible...
There seems to be no hope...
But I know that it's in these moments that God gets to show off. Just like He did when David defeated Goliath, or when He made the sun stand still for Joshua. When He parted the red sea for Moses, or when He raised His one and only Son from the dead.
You see, our God is a God who makes the impossible possible... and I believe this still to be true...
It's here in Antigua, Guatemala where I am in the trenches and I feel like I am in way over my head... And it's here in Antigua, Guatemala where I have 2 more weeks to press in and believe that God will do the impossible, that He will defeat these giants.
On Mother's Day the girls and I had the opportunity to hike Pacaya Volcano at sunset where we have the amazing view of 3 other sunsets! One of my most beautiful days on the Race!
One of the coolest things about Squad Leading is that I have the privilege and opportunity to speak truth into people's lives and encourage them on their journeys.
This month has been a little crazy to say the least...
I like to call it "Chrin and Sara's Euro Tour 2012".
In 4 weeks Sara and I will have been in 6 different countries.
(Austria, Czech Repubilc, Serbia, Bulgaria, Croatia, and Hungary)
All this traveling requires multiple train and bus rides allowing Sara and I's minds to wander...
Well here's a little something fun we put together for our squad...
Thought you might like it =)
Being squad leader you learn to not unpack... These past 4 months I have been traveling throughout each country on a weekly routine visiting the wonderful teams of z-squad. I have to say that I like Eastern European travel much better than African travel... Don't get me wrong, I got where I needed to go in Mozambique and Swaziland, but I'm ok if I never ever ever have to ever ever repeat that 38 hour African bus ride...
I wasn't quite sure what to expect of Eastern Europe... Which was nice since they tell you at training camp to leave all your expectations behind. But I have to admit that I have been pleasantly surprised at how much I have enjoyed it here. The people have been so hospitable and kind, welcoming us into their homes with freshly baked pastries, hungry to hear our testimonies and share theirs, and open to hearing about the love of Jesus.
It's hard to believe that I am in the last week of month 7 in Serbia... I think the best way to describe this month is through pictures...
Carrying and chopping lots and lots of wood
Toaster or space heater? Both! This is a dual purpose machine! Also one of the only heating devices where team 220 was staying. So we would sit inside wearing all our winter clothes trying not to freeze while watching our breath. Im definitely a Florida girl! Thank the Lord the weather has warmed up!
I was so blessed to have the opportunity to play worship in the park for 3 days while the Sound of Strength girls did outreach. So cool how music opens so many doors.
Almost as good as Anna Maria Island sunsets... Key word... Almost...
Zorna is the most precious miracle baby... She was born prematurely with multiple illnesses but through the power of prayer she was completely healed and now is perfectly healthy at 20 months old.
House prayer
Most of the time on the world race you don't exactly understand why you're doing something, but you just smile, nod, and do what's asked of you... This is us smashing chairs with different forms of weapons to break the plastic off them.
I got a tatoo! I promise mom and dad I won't get any more!
In the least cheesiest way... Well actually I kinda like cheesy... I feel like I got engaged to Jesus with my tattoo. I love that I have the word beloved (in my sissy's handwriting) on my ring finger. I love that I have walked deeper into my true identity of Christ's beloved this year. It has been such a cool journey.
For my engagement present Jesus took me fishing... He loves me so well! Words can't express how much I miss the water and having a fishing pole in my hands
And this was my monster catch
One of the most random days on the race so far... On our way to go fishing we were brought to a Romanian military camp where they have uncovered Romanian ancient ruins. We crawled through a tunnel to an underground crypt.
This has been such an incredible journey! I absolutely love the world race. I love that I get to travel and see the work God is doing in and through z-squad! Next month we have 6 teams in 5 different countries... So I'll be traveling the Ukraine, Czech Republic, Croatia, Serbia, and Bulgaria. I feel so spoiled and blessed to be living out of a backpack for 11 months!
It's so hard to believe that month 6 in Romania has come to an end and that I am now in month 7 in Serbia. We had quite the "typical" 21 hour travel day to get here and while sitting in a gas station between midnight and 5am I had some of the sweetest time in my journal with God and I thought I would share some of that with you... Here is my letter from and to God.
My Dearest Christin,
Do you trust me? Do you trust that I hold you in the palm on my hand so close to my heart? Do you trust that my love for you is unconditional, that my love is pure, not motive driven, that my love for you is limitless? Do you trust that I have a plan for you, today, tomorrow, and forever more? Do you trust that I created you so uniquely, so perfectly, so only for a purpose and void that only you can fill? Do you trust that your past is your past, that I was with you in every moment and that I will use those stories and times to bring me glory? Do you trust that we have such a bright future together? Do you trust that I see the desires of your heart, that I see the way you yearn for more of me and desire more of me? Do you trust that I see and know your dreams? Do you trust in my will, in my timing, in my ways, in my heart?
My Christin, I desire your trust, I desire you to trust me more, I desire you. I desire you to walk in complete healing and freedom, I desire you to walk in joy! I desire for you to let go, to leave it all behind, to stop beating yourself up about the past and worrying about your future. Focus on me... Walk with me, follow me, trust me, love me... I've got you, I'm holding you so tightly, so rest in me. Cease striving and know that I am God, that I am good, that I am sovereign.
Trust me, follow me, walk with me, love me, trust me.
My love for you is so unexplainable, un-fathomable, unconditional. No matter what you've done or what you do I love you. And I have plans for you. Trust that I will reveal them to you in the right timing. Trust that they are good.
Trust me...
Dear Lord,
Thank you, thank you for this month. That you for being such a sovereign and good God. A God that is so magnificent and huge yet still so detailed and knows me and loves me regardless inside and out. I love that I can't comprehend how you do it, how you love, how you operate.
I can't really express what I'm feeling right now (sitting in this gas station in Timisoara Romania at 3 am) but month 6 was crazy, a lot a lot of stuff happened, and just being more months done than that which are ahead makes me think a lot. About the reality of going home and what that look like, about who I am in Christ, the things I've learned, the freedom and healing I walk in.
Abba, thank you for your faithfulness, for your unfailing love, for your forgiveness, for you grace, for your strength, for your heart, for who you are! Thank you for the way you always come through. Thank you for loving me, for never giving up on me, for believing in me and fighting for me. I stand in your truth, I stand in boldness, confidence, grace, and humility, that I am your daughter, your beloved, your chosen. I look forward with such trust and dependence! I look forward with great expectation, I look forward to what you have in store! I love you with all my heart!
Amen
See I came to this point where I had to stop trying to figure it all out. I had to stop trying to understand God's love, grace, and forgiveness. I had to stop trying to figure out who I am in Christ. I had to stop trying... And just accept and believe... Because I'm never gonna fully understand it or get it... Because I don't think we can ever fully understand or get God... So it's time for me to stop trying and to just be, just accept it, just live in it, just walk it out. And there's such a freedom in that. I feel such joy right now... Like the chains are really gone and I am really set free. That I can just be, just be me, just be joyful, just be at the table with people, just be myself the person that God created me to be. To just live in confidence that He is in me and thats all I need.
Finally what I've been yearning for this whole time has finally come true, has finally clicked, and I love it! I love that I am standing boldly and confidently, yet humbly and gracefully all the same time. I love that I am accepting myself for who I am in Christ. I love the smile on my face, I love this continual dance, I love it!
Thanks to my momma who reminded me of this song...
"You dance over me,
While I am unaware,
You sing all around,
But I never hear the sound.
Lord I’m amazed by You,
Lord I’m amazed by You,
How You love me.
How wide,
How deep,
How great,
Is Your love for me."
Reading with sweet Jenica!
Love my co-squad leader and sweetest dearest friend!
Is it like a fairy tale? Is it my prince charming that I have been waiting for my whole life?
Holding out his hand while the ground beneath me is crumbling with waters rushing beneath and him reaching out his hands towards me looking at me, no, piercing me with his beautiful eyes... looking at me, truly looking at me... seeing me as no one has ever seen me before, yet still lovingly gazing, loving what he sees, being completely enthralled, reaching out his hand asking... "Do you trust me?"
It's a continual process, a continual dance, a continual commitment to trust, to believe.
What does it look like to dream with God? What happens if I give him my dreams, the desires of my heart, and they don't come true...?
I'm sure it wasn't Atiana's dream to be sold into child prostitution at age 6, or Malcolm's dream to have his family ripped apart by genocide, or Yen to be thrown in prison tortured and persecuted for his faith, or Dornel's dream to make his kids beg on the streets for anything they can get...
So maybe what my dreams are need to shift. Maybe my hearts desires, to be a wife, a mom, a beloved daughter, to have endless legend fishing stories, travel to New Zealand, etc. need to change to a more kingdom mindset. That no matter what happens, whether earthly dreams come true or not, I will serve the lord with all my heart no matter the circumstance, no matter the cost. I will trust him, love him, and believe in him on a whole new level of faith, dependence, and love. That I will be enthralled when I look at him, that I will be comforted, confident, and secure in his love for me.
What would that look like, what would I look like, if I was able to see myself the way God sees me. If I was able to stand boldly, confidently, humbly, and gracefully all at the same time. My desire is to be pursued, to be beautiful, to serve and follow God with all my heart, to hold nothing back, for there to be more of him and less of me. My desire is to shine his light, to radiate his goodness, to rejoice continually, to love as he loves. What would that look like? What would I look like?
God I want to give you those dreams, I want to take your hand, I want to trust you... Even though I'm scared I know there's no better place to be than taking this leap of faith with you.
Trusting you'll catch me...
Trusting you'll make something beautiful out of me...
Trusting YOU...
Love you with my whole heart Pat. Thank you for always loving me, believing in me, and supporting me. Can't wait to one day be dancing and singing with you in heaven! Miss you so...
Psalm 62:11-12
"One thing that God has spoken, two things I have heard; that you, O God, are strong, and that you, O Lord, are loving."
Looking back on this journey so far it is so inspiring to see how strong, loving, and faithful God is. I find myself constantly blown away at His goodness, His grace, His provision, and His faithfulness.
I love that two weeks ago I was pushing orphans on the swings in Swaziland and this week I have been sledding down hills in Romania with gypsy's. I wasn't quite sure what to expect of Eastern Europe, but I really do love it. It was quite a shock living in Africa for 3 months and then getting off a train in the middle of nowhere in Romania at 2 am jumping off with our packs on and landing knee deep in snow with nothing but jeans, tennis shoes, and a long sleeve t-shirt. I can't remember the last time I've been so cold...
But the snow has added a new season of freshness and excitement. It's pretty cool being here in the dead of winter and walking around to the different villages, or "willages" if you will, praying for people, playing with kids, and spreading Christ's light, love, and life. So to say the least I'm pretty excited to be here.
"You have stolen my heart"
How I'm going to miss my flip flop tan with splattered paint on my feet sitting on this rock with this one of a kind view!
2am train drop off... trying to find out where to go... yes, this is real life!
No words to describe how precious this is.
Walking to the "Willage"
Romans 8:28
"We know that in ALL things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose."
Knowing God is great enables you to dream, pray, and live beyond your means because you know He is able. Know God is good enables you to dream, pray, and live beyond your means because you know he wants to respond.
I love that I can dream with God. And to be prefectly honest, I feel like I haven't even scractched the surface of what dreaming with God really means. But I love this incredible journey that I am on and the story that He continues to write for me.
I got wrecked today... This afternoon I took some alone time sitting on the best rock with one of the most beautiful views I’ve ever seen in my life at the El Shaddai orphanage in Swaziland. I tried to journal… but wasn’t so successful. I tried reading my Bible… but my mind kept wandering. So I decided to take advantage of the beauty and alone time and to treat it like my favorite Young Life camp Pioneer Plunge solo. It was so good to just sit and rest, and I have to admit I was sitting with hope and expectation of hearing from God or having some sort of moment with Him. Well, it started to rain… Being honest I was a little bit discouraged….
Well, chapel started at 5:30 with all the kids so I made my way up there. Standing in the front of the room were 7 beautiful girls and they sang a song that completely wrecked me. Looking at them I felt such a deep compassion that I have never experienced before. I found myself looking at them wondering what their stories were… How long had they been at the orphanage… What happened to their parents… Were they ever hurt or abused…? No matter how hard I tried I couldn’t stop the tears from streaming down my face when I heard them sing in the most beautiful harmony, “Yes Lord”.
“I’ll say yes Lord yes
To your will and to your way
I will say yes Lord yes
I will trust you and obey
When your spirit speaks to me
While my whole heart I’ll agree
And my answer will be yes Lord yes.”
Who knows what these girls have been through, but here they are, singing so beautifully, with such passion and grace, saying yes to the Lord and whatever He has in store for them.
It’s funny how you travel all around the world wanting to make a difference, wanting to serve, to help, to bless others, when really you’re the one who is blessed. You’re the one who is forever changed.
I’m at the half way point of my race (which is so hard to believe its been 6 months!) and I find my mind wandering at times… What am I going to do when I get home? What’s it going to look like? These girls taught me the best lesson of all… To listen to God, to trust and obey, and to simply just say yes.
Believe… That was the word I got for the year 2012. Sitting on my bed in an orphanage in Mozambique, thanking God for this past year, and praying for the next. I got the word Believe. And it came to me as a letter from God…
Christin, my daughter, my own,
Believe. Believe in ME. Believe in my Word and in my promises that are true. Believe that I have greatness not only in store for your squad, but also for YOU! Believe that I am taking you to greater heights and depths in me. Believe that I am doing a mighty work in you and through you. Believe that I have called you by name, that I call you my own, and that you are mine. Believe in me and my faithfulness and that I will come through. Believe and know that I hear the desires of your heart, your dreams, your hopes, and that I will make them come true. Believe that I am with you, that I have equipped you, and will speak to you and through you. Believe in me and who I say I am. Believe that I have greatness in store for you. Believe that I LOVE YOU. Believe that I BELIEVE IN YOU. I know you believe in me…
So I walk into this next year with great expectation, with great hope, and with great faith. I walk into this year with great confidence that God is with me and that He has called and equipped me.
I’m not quite sure where the time has gone, but I am now in month 5 in the beautiful country of Swaziland. I am continually amazed and humbled that this is my life!
I have fallen in love all over again with my squad after our month 4 debrief. I am constantly amazed by these incredible men and women that I get to serve alongside with and the way that our squad has become a family.
This Christmas I find myself sitting in sweat sticky with dirt that just won't seem to come off singing the Cindy Lu Hu song "Where Are You Christmas". I find myself not really caring about Christmas, not really caring about this one day that we make such a big deal out of and stress so much about what gifts to get. I find myself wanting to celebrate Christmas in the purest of forms. To celebrate Jesus. To celebrate the true miracle, the true sacrifice, the true love the Father has for us. I find myself wanting to just be around the people that I love, the people that love me, my family.
But now I realize that my family has grown. I now have brothers and sisters in the Philippines, China, South Africa, Mozambique, and 44 new family members from my squad. That the holidays are about being around the people that you love. My heart hurts not being with my friends and family back home, but I am so thankful for the way that God has provided me with such a huge family. I am so thankful to be spending Christmas at an orphanage in Mozambique. Words can't express the joy, honor, and privilege it is to love on these children, especially on Christmas. To truly take my eyes off myself and look at Jesus and celebrate his birth in a manger, celebrate the people He has brought into my life, celebrate the season of giving, how God gave His son to us, and how we can give to others through His love.
To back track a little bit though and fill you in on this month... It has been one crazy month... Nick and I have been immersed into the life of a squad leader. We have traveled all over Mozambique visiting our teams and I don't think my butt has ever hurt so bad. Of course sitting on two metal bars in a cramped Chapa with chickens and 19 people in it for 3 hours doesn't really help...
Visiting the teams though I have realized that this is what squad leading is all about. It's all about being there for people. It's not about having the right answers or advice to give, it's about listening, asking questions, and helping them walk into more freedom and healing. I find myself shocked and in awe of this position that God has called me into.
I find myself asking who am I? Who am I that I get to see how God moves in and through my squad, rather than just a team of 6. Who am I am that I get to travel all around the country visiting teams and being part of the ministries they are partnering with. Who am I that one day I get to hold and pray for a 4 day old baby boy in Maputo, then the next day visit an orphanage and have a water fight with the children in Beira. Who am I that God has even called me to do the World Race. I laugh so hard at myself when throughout each month I look around in utter shock that this is my life.
Even though I have never been so hot and dirty in my life, even though I don't know exactly what time a meal will come, even though I don't know if I will make it out alive on those crazy African bus rides, even though I have chickens clucking all around my tent at night, I absolutely love my life! I absolutely love God and all that He is doing in and through me. I absolutely love that I got to celebrate Christmas in the purest of forms in Mozambique.
What a journey this has been! I have fallen in love with South Africa. While it was quite a culture shock in the beginning coming directly from China, God has richly blessed me with the beauty and refreshment of Cape Town. He has refreshed me with the crashing and riding of the waves, He has blessed me with the beautiful smiles of my little surfer boys, He has blessed me with His love!
I love how surfing provides these boys a chance to experience the beauty of God's creation, how it gives them the opportunity to be off the streets, how it provides them with the knowledge of Jesus' love for them, and how we are able to love and give them one on one attention that they so deserve.
This little boy just stole my heart! Love him so so much!
On my way to give Matt a high five
God is so good and I love being part of His plan. Running surf school was such a dream come true. I will miss these boys so much, but I am so thankful for the seed that God will cultivate in them.
So now I am headed to Mozambique as Squad Leader and can't wait to see what God is doing through all of the wonderful and powerful teams of Z~Squad! I know that there is such greatness in store for us!
